I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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