Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
