I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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