and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
