Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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