ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
