You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
And then he peed in my hair
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