I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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