It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
