To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
