I am spending my child support on dildos
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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