her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
