just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
