remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize