you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
