May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
