Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize