take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
