I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
