I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
