I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
