i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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