I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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