she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You took a bar mat shot.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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