I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
