Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think my moral compass just broke
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
