This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
