he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
