you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
