What did we do last night that was yellow?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
