Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize