My underwear smells like fireworks.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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