Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize