I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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