She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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