Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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