i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
