I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
