ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
