Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
