conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
