Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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