When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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