Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
