Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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