Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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