I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
