i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
