i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
