i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
