I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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