forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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