This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize