Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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